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Conan O'Brien's candid canine comedian also takes on P. Diddy, Lil' Kim, Elton John ...
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Kurt Loder Bitten By Triumph The Insult Comic Dog
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Kurt Loder speaks on his experience with Triumph ...
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Browse Bands by Name
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 Bands Main
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It takes a brave man to poop on Eminem ... or at least one ballsy pooch. The world's foremost insult comic/rubber dog hand puppet, Triumph, took in this year's Video Music Awards and offered some suitably acid-tongued thoughts:
I am forced to be here by the auspices of the Conan O'Brien show. There's a lot of poop that needs to be pooped on and I'm in charge, my friend.
Justin Timberlake looks good. He has facial hair now. He looks really tough now that he's getting some tail. It's nice. After two years of just having to lick himself like the rest of us, it's good to see him up there. But Britney, I understand, you know, she's got her thing, she's saving herself. Yeah right, and I poop Godiva chocolate.
All these people are poop-ready. Every one of them is. They've got guys there like Puff Daddy. I don't know why people make fun of the name, the whole "P. Diddy" thing. ... They should make fun of his complete lack of talent and originality. I mean what does he do? He samples? He should try using one of my stool samples. That would be an improvement. These kids with the music. I got a new album I'm dropping, though. I'm trying to get down with the kids and all that crap, you know.
I was on the red carpet. I wanted to check out what Lil' Kim was wearing this year. Have you seen those boobies? Oh my God, she could feed a litter of 12 with those things. She's compensating for only having two, I think. That's the problem.
Elton John was here this year. He's done so much good work for the cause of bisexual millionaires everywhere. It's very nice to see.
I don't usually run into trouble at these things. One time, I told Iggy Pop, "You used to look like a rebel. Now you look like the kind of guy that gets thrown out of Wendy's." The long hair, it doesn't work after a certain age. No one wants to see it. It's like when a 16-year-old poodle still shaves her ass. No one wants to see it. He threatened to breathe on me. I got out of there in a hurry.
Carson Daly was probably my favorite interview, though, because he knows how poop-ready he is, so he's a good sport. You ask him anything and he's ready to agree with it. It's like, "Carson, whose life is better — mine or yours? You get to meet boy bands, and I get to eat my own vomit." Now he's got two shows. He's got the one that's on at 1:30 at night. ... Most people are asleep, thankfully, when he comes on. And the rest fall asleep about five minutes into the show.
Video of the year? 'NSYNC ... 'NSUCK. Linkin Park is too much rock-it-to-me sock-it-to-me. I don't go for that. Eminem was here. Eminem, a man with all the stability of a border collie on speed. Eminem is so street, I guess that's why I feel so comfortable pooping on him.
And Kylie Minogue ... I just wanted to ask her, "In Australia your poop comes out counterclockwise, is that how it works?"
— Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, as told to Joe D'Angelo
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Photo: Image Direct
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